On this raw and rainy June Monday, I woke up wondering who would be a good interview subject this week. As I gazed out my window at the rain coming down, I was reminded of England. That's when inspiration struck and, as Phineas so aptly put it, "Ferb, I know what we're going to do today."
Here then without any further delay is an interview--all the way from 17th century England--with Lorna Doone.
Lorna: Oh aye. M' name's Lorna Doone and I'm from Exmoor in Devon and Somerset. 'Tis a beautiful bit of God's own country is Exmoor, but it can be hard and cruel. The folk that live there are the same way.
Greg: So I've been led to understand. From what I've heard, you've had quite a time lately. Please tell us a little bit about it if you can.
Lorna: Oh it's been the devil's own time, i can tell ye. I hardly know where t' begin. I grew up as part of the Doone clan. M' folk've run up on some hard times of late, but once we were quite well respected. My part in the Doone tale begins with the murder of a farmer by the name of Ridd. He were killed by members of m' clan. Now his son, John, vowed revenge upon all the Doones.
Now, I knew nothing of this. The good Lord saw fit that I should meet and fall in love with John Ridd and he with me, each knowing nothing of the other's past nor lineage.
Greg: Wow. I expect John would be mighty surprised when he found out who you were.
Lorna: No doubt he would, but there was more. You see, not only was I a Doone, but I was the granddaughter of the lord of the Doone clan, Sir Ensor Doone.
Greg: Oh boy. That definitely would not sit well with John.
Lorna: Aye. And that's not all. I was pledged to wed his successor, Carver Doone. Of course this was against my will as I did not love the swine, but what choice does a girl in 17th century England have? None of course.
Greg: So what happened?
Lorna: Well sir, when Sir Ensor died, John helped me escape to his farm, which upset Carver no end. He attacked the farm. I cursed the fates that they had caused me to be born a Doone in the first place.
It was during my time in the Ridd household that someone noticed my necklace, which had been given to me by my mother, God rest her. That is very important as it comes into the story later. Anyhow, it turns out that the necklace belonged to Lady Dugal, owner of one of the biggest fortunes in England. She had been attacked and murdered by outlaws. Only her daughter escaped, but she was never found.
Greg: Let me guess. You were the daughter, right?
Lorna: My you are quick. Yes, i was the daughter. I was the heiress to a great fortune, but the law dictated that I must go to London as a ward off the King. John and I can never be married as he is just a lowly farmer. Then there was this revolution and everything was turned topsy-turvy.
John has been taken prisoner, accused of a crime he did not commit. He is taken to London where we are reunited. He saves the life of the patriarch of the Dugals, Earl Brandir, and is pardoned. The King gives us his permission to marry.
Greg: Well, there you are. What a happy ending.
Lorna: Oh, but I'm not finished.
Greg: Oh, aren't you?
Lorna: No. John leads an attack on the Doones and almost all their men are killed. Carver escapes, vowing revenge. John and I wed, but during the ceremony Carver turns up and shoots me. John runs after him and they fight. Carver winds up at the bottom of a bog. Luckily, I survive, although it is rather dodgy for a time.
Greg: Well I must say that is a heck of a story, thats for sharing it with us. It would make a smashing book. You might want to write it all down.
Lorna: Do you really think so? John's mother has a ripping biscuit recipe, I thought maybe we could open a bakery and market them. He has such a sweet tooth, my John.